Yes: this song speaks to the Inner Chess Master of all of the regulars.

In a previous story about the bar I mentioned Show Tune Tuesdays. It was pretty much what it sounds like: on Tuesday afternoons I would play three or four jukebox tracks from musicals. Singin' in the Rain. Oklahoma, maybe. Something from "The Music Man" perhaps, or "West Side Story."

The bartender was not fond of Show Tune Tuesdays. Nor were a lot of the regulars, really. Which only made me like it more. Because I'm like that, sometimes. You hear a lot of the same songs on the jukebox, a lot of the same genres. For instance: Lord, please do not make me have to listen to George Thorogood ever again, thank you. Yes, you are Bad To The Bone: we get it. Blues, like the blues they play on a beer commercial where diverse hipsters play pool and laugh in a laughably gritty bar, played with the slide guitar equivalent of a warm Budweiser. And at least those commercials are only thirty seconds long: "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" is fucking eight minutes and twenty fucking seconds long. It's true: I looked it up. But I still think it takes longer than that to actually have to listen to it.

A line from 'Blue Velvet' comes to mind. Frank, played by Dennis Hopper, asks Kyle MacLachlan's character what beer he likes; Frank does not like the answer. And thus the immortal line that is still repeated in bars:

"Heineken!? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!" 

Well, that was kind of the spirit of Show Tune Tuesdays:

"George Thorogood!? Fuck that shit! 'One Night in Bangkok!'!" 

Which was a show tune that everyone pretty much liked, because it basically sounds like an Eighties song. Which it is. Cheesy, but with attitude: you can hear the sneer.

Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha
And thank God I'm only watching the game --
Controlling it --
I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you
So you better go back to your bars, your temples
Your massage parlours...

Yes: this song speaks to the Inner Chess Master of all of the regulars.

As an aside: the vocalist of that song was Murray Head, who also sang the original "Jesus Christ Superstar" track fifteen years previous. Which I also have played on Show Tunes Tuesdays. Good on you, Murray.

Like I said earlier, the bartender was not fond of Show Tune Tuesdays, nor were a lot of the regulars. But with one more exception.

The one Show Tune that everyone could agree on: "Jet Song."

When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette till your last dyin' day

and

When you're a Jet, you're the top cat in town
You're the gold medal kid with the heavyweight crown
When you're a Jet, you're the swingin'est thing
Little boy you're a man, little man you're a king

Because, even if you don't have an Inner Chess Master, you can't be at a bar and not have an Inner Jet. 

One afternoon several of the regulars got off of their stools when the song came on and then dropped into a crouched-knee walk, snapping their fingers, side by side. It was fucking beautiful.

So that was when I stopped Show Tune Tuesdays: it was never going to get better than that. Sometimes I will occasionally remind the bartender of Show Tune Tuesdays; he shakes his head and leaves to wash glasses at the other end of the bar.


- james james

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