The Retired Black Curmudgeon nods: he knows this is bullshit, but he is thinking about it, anyway.

I was at the bar recently, and had a conversation regarding Star Trek with the Retired Black Curmudgeon. Star Trek is one of the things he likes to talk about: he will take off his earphones for a conversation with that one. Sometimes order another glass of wine to settle in.

I enjoyed the original Star Trek; despised The Next Generation, never watched the others. I understand what they did with The Next Generation: they switched the main two characters. Kirk, the Man of Action, was the Leader; Spock, the Man of Reason, was the second-in command. So they switched it around: the Spock character -- Picard -- became the Leader, and the Man of Action became the Second Guy. To further the difference between the two shows they got a guy for the Next Generation's Man of Action who had no charisma.

The original Star Trek also had Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov: Next Generation had a kid, a robot and a blind guy. Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov: they had names because they were characters. The kid, the robot and the blind guy: they had names, too, but I don't remember them, because they were widgets.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon loves the Next Generation; I call it Star Trek: The New Coke. Which only makes sense if you were around for New Coke. We have no need to reestablish these points of view: we agree to disagree.

So I tell him that I have spotted the fatal flaw with Next Generation. He eyes me warily: he knows I am going to be pulling his chain, but he wants to know how, exactly.

I tell him that there is obvious Great Significance in the letter 'K' for Star Trek. He leans forward. It starts from the very name, I say: Star Trek. Not Star Voyage, not Star Expedition, but Trek: with a 'K'. He nods: the 'go on' is implied. Or at least I think it is, because I go on, regardless.

There are Klingons, there is Khan. When big things happened in Star Trek a letter 'K' is typically involved. I would've probably named some arcana to bolster my point, but I only enjoyed the original series, and even that I pretty much just know the basics.

"Yeah, yeah" he says.

Look at the names: the Top Two of each crew have 'K's in their name. Kirk, Spock, Pikard, Riker. Kirk even has two 'K's, and they are at the beginning and the end of the name -- the Alpha and Omega of the man. The  letter 'K' must have some significance; this cannot be sloppy coincidence. Because Star Trek is not sloppy: everything means something. To someone. Somewhere. Who thinks about Star Trek too much.

"Ahhhh", say says the Retired Black Curmudgeon: he has spotted the flaw in my thesis. Next Generation's Picard is spelled with a 'c', not a 'k'. 

The trap is now sprung. THAT is why Next Generation sucks, I say. The letter 'K' has obvious significance in the founding meaning of the show -- Trek, Kirk, Spock -- and the Next Generation can't even commit to using a 'K' for the 'K' sound in its own lead character's name. It was doomed before it even began.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon gives me That Look: you would know That Look if you were there to see it.

To belabor the point, I continue. Trek, Kirk, Spock: the 'K' is the first or last sound. Significant, obviously. I refrain from using Alpha and Omega again: this is all gilding, no lily to begin with. Anyway, the first or last sound: same with Klingon, Khan. Yes, I bring up those two again, because that is pretty much all I got. With Next Generation they bury the 'K' sound in the middle: Picard, Riker. Again, they can't commit to what is of obvious importance.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon nods: he knows this is bullshit, but he is thinking about it, anyway.

I do point out that the original Star Trek has characters with only a 'K' sound, or 'K' in the middle. The Retired Black Curmudgeon leans in.

Scotty, Chekov.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon nods again.

To which I point out that these are Secondary Characters. Hell, Chekov is probably better described as third-tier. But in Next Generation they make the Secondary Character K Displacement part of the main characters' names. Again: doomed.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon laughs, a short dry snort, really.

I would probably go on about the secondary characters of Next Generation, but I don't know who they are, other than: a kid, a robot and a blind guy.

I then make one final point: you know what would happen if they made William Shatner's character name have only one 'K'? And you put it in the middle?

The Retired Black Curmudgeon leans in again.

Then you have T.J. Hooker.

The Retired Black Curmudgeon shakes his head.

I would've liked to have gone on about how there was another powerful lead character on a TV show from Back In The Day with a K at the beginning and end of the name -- Kojak -- but I realize that would break the spell. But Shatner and Savalas: that was when Men were Men, and it took two K's to contain them.

And not kids, robots and blind guys.

- james james