Probably shipped in a discreet package; maybe they can do holiday wrapping paper this time of year, I don't know.

One of the nice things about the Ave during the Holidays: it doesn't change all that much. It's cold, so the Heroin Kids aren't out as much, which is nice. Still, if you are on the street having a cigarette you will still be asked for spare cigarettes or paper money, just like always. The Ragged Crazies are still there; their mumbled spiels and shouted non sequitirs usually don't involve anything about Christmas -- the voices in their heads are on their own calendar, which might have a thousand days, or maybe only one.

One of the things that doesn't change much: shoppers. Not a lot of people go Christmas shopping on the Ave. The malls and downtown and University Village are jammed like a Tokyo subway train, but the Ave is not really a shopping destination. Unless you buy your Christmas gifts at the drug store. Or Seven-Eleven. Or the Retro Gaming shop.

The University Bookstore gets crowded -- books and UW sweatshirts are easy gifts -- but otherwise, well: the drug store. Or Seven-Eleven. Or the Retro Gaming shop.

In the bar there are outbreaks of Holiday Spirit. There are stockings with the bar staff names hung from the ceiling. Christmas songs make appearances on the jukebox. I, for one, had never heard the song 'Dominick the Christmas Donkey' before hearing it at the bar. People like the Woman With The Smart Wardrobe show up with packages in bags from the malls, or downtown, or University Village: they usually are in great desire of a drink after their shopping travails.

But there are still sports on the televisions, not Christmas fare. A lot of Bowl Games with the college teams, football bowls with names like Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl and Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl and the Fleshlight Power Booty Pack Bowl. Okay, sure: I made the last one up, but the other two are real. And I didn't make up the name: the Fleshlight Power Booty Pack is an available product you can buy on the internet. Probably shipped in a discreet package; maybe they can do holiday wrapping paper this time of year, I don't know. I also don't know if the Power Booty can be purchased separately, or if it only comes in the aforementioned Pack: I feel no need to research this further.

But somewhere, someone is getting that particular gift under their Christmas tree. I don't think you can buy one on the Ave, though; at least not at the drug store. Or Seven-Eleven. Or the Retro Gaming shop. Maybe you might find a Street Kid passing by, selling one he happened to steal from a parked car. Or perhaps find one at the Goodwill down the block, used: it could happen.

And, No, I didn't buy it, but this is America, and it is Christmas Time: someone did, I'm sure.



- james james

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